My · Place · of · Refuge

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "ok, seeing as there is no page 18 in this book I'm reading..It's blank..I will turn to page 19, line four reads: "...of such an emaciated creature. Their first..."

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: Air...

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: Beyond Borders..with Clive Owen and Angelina Jolie..it was about these refugees in Ethiopia and all those cool places.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 3.20pm

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 3:27pm

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: the boarder in our house talking with my mum

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: went to put money in the bank

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: my friends livejournal entries

9: What are you wearing?: jeans, a red sweater and because it's cold, my BHS leavers jersey

10: Did you dream last night? What about?: yes, i can't remember. I never remember my dreams

11: When did you last laugh?: haven't laughed in a while...

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?: i'm in my room. I have pictures of janelle and me, ev's dory pic, cherish's paitning for me, our balloon trip foto, and other random stuff

13: Seen anything weird lately?:nope

14: What do you think of this quiz?: at least it doesn't have the same questions

15: What is the last film you saw?: Beyond Borders

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: my place at ORU..ok, that's selfish, I would ask God what he wanted me to spend the money on...

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I'm scared that my future looks as blank as it already does.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: tell people...everywhere, to believe in Jesus.

19: Do you like to dance?: yeah..

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?: People degrade others too soon...would you have the guts to do what the man has?? Ok, maybe I"m biased, cos I like America and defend it, when everyone else hates it...

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: Faith

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: Josh

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?: Yes...of course

It's been an interesting weekend. We had Cell group which was great cos we have so many people in Ablaze now....hm...it's great. But anyway. A part of me feels quite sad that my "reign" in Ablaze is over and that I have to hand over my baby to Emi and everyone else. But yeah, I'm sure that you know...God will give me another group to nurture and mature and everything, so I'm excited for that....

Without being very deep in this entry...I played basketball with Joel on Thursday, didn't do much on Friday, watched some cricket I think..then Saturday, watched more Cricket and then went to play at Lek's birthday party and then Czone. So yeah, that's my eventful weekend.

I'm using Ev's laptop now, cos it's conveinently at my house...hehe, that's good. I brought the ADSL line into the lounge so that I can watch the cricket while I type on this, so yeah...

Rob Bell preached at our church this morning and also tonight. He's a great speaker, from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I wanna go to see his church when I go to Michigan. I think Anthony lives in Michigan, I should write him an email....anyhow.

Ok, there's not much else going on in my life (ok, that's a lie, but what do you care?)...so, I'm going to sign out now...BYE BYE.

Dear Daddy,

Sometimes I have to watch my attitude, because I want to have a teachable spirit.

Daddy I'm so down, I don't know what to do
Daddy I don't know what to say, that'll get me through
Daddy I'm so weak, I just want to rest in eternal peace
And not worry about other's thoughts which they direct at me.

Daddy I'm so down, I don't know where to turn
It seems like every insult is like a coal to burn
Daddy I want to give up, I want to just tell you no
I want to just tell you that I can't go on anymore.

Daddy please come to me, my tears have just begun
You promised to walk on water towards the flickering sun.
But why can't I see you, walking in front of me
All I feel is depression slowly sinking it's teeth...

Daddy please lift me up, I'm tired of vindication
I'm tired of telling people about anymore information
Daddy I'm so sick, of this help they're trying to give
I know they care about me, but I wish they'd just leave......

Daddy, I feel like I'm hurting, even though I seem fine
But Daddy, I know you know, that there are things on my mind
Daddy, there are thoughts, that aren't supposed to be there
I have lost the strength to fight, I'm slowly overcome by fear

Daddy, I don't know why I fear, cos you've told me you're holding me
Yet everywhere I look are waves that crash down upon me
Daddy, I feel as if the whole world is against me...
I feel so lost, I feel so down, I feel so unlike me.

Daddy, what is this lesson I have to learn now?
Daddy, I just want you to comfort me somehow
Daddy, I love you so much, more than words can say
So why am I still looking for vindication each day?

I know I don't need to explain things to people with curious eyes
I just have to look to you, to be lifted on high
But Daddy, I'm still struggling....to live each day for You
I love being in Your presence, I love it, I really really do

Daddy, I'm tired of thinking, about ways to tell people why
I guess I have to just leave it to you, until your miracle passes by
Daddy, why can't people just encourage, instead of always putting down
Daddy, why can't they learn how harsh words can be, why do they easily frown...

Daddy, I don't understand this road you're taking me on
But I've told you today that I"m so sick of it all, I'm so sick of this silent song.
Daddy, I need you, I need you so much more
I want to know you deeper, I want to tell you I adore.

Daddy, come lift me up....please daddy, I can't go on anymore
I feel so depressed and my heart is becoming sore
Daddy...please do your miracle, aren't I done with enough waiting?
I know my strength is being renewed, but please do something...

Daddy...why can't people see I hurt
Daddy...Please come through for me. Please send your promise
Please shut the mouths of lions until I'm ready to surface
Daddy...please. I feel so weak and mild
In your hands I surrender myself, as your little child.

Daddy, please comfort me, wrap your arms of love
Around me and be with me, come down from above

Daddy, I love you so much, thank you for hearing this prayer
I feel like I'm sinking, but I know you'll reach out and take away my fear
You promised you'd walk with me, on water back to shore
So now I'm reminding you of your promises before.

Break open the storehouses of heaven and rain down
Not for my sake, not for my family's sake, but for Your name sake.
Lord, I'm not greedy, I don't want your money
I just want you, I want to be a labourer, and I want to be used....
So Daddy, I admit I can't go on in my strength
I pray that you'll uplift me, that you'll guide me through and that you'll be continually with me.
I pray that you'll help me through discouragement, which I face like fire each day
I pray that you'll give me hope and a future, because that's what you have ordained for me
I pray that you'll help me see that not everyone's against me...I pray that you help me see YOU in everything I look...I love you Daddy, I love you Daddy, I love you so so much....there's nothing that I need more right now, than that of Your touch.

I don't know if it's worth keeping an online journal which is as open as mine...seems like I get put down more often than encouraged...so, I think what I'm going to do, is keep this livejournal strictly with just happy thoughts....Hm..might be such a good idea, but it hurts having to deal with comments which are not uplifting...so, I guess if you wanted to see the struggling side of me, you'll have to ask me personally...

To my journal friend who gave me that verse about...what was it...working/toiling. What I wanted to say was, that that was said in the context, that the people of Thesselonia, they were just sitting around waiting for Jesus's second coming, because they thought that what he has said to John in the last chapter of John, how he'd said "If I want him to live until I come again, what's that to you?" Was mistaken as people thinking that Jesus was about to come back to Earth again....so, they sat around, not doing the work they were supposed to be doing.....

If you knew me. You would know I am not one to do that. If I was, I pray that God burns me with fire before anyone of you has time even to insult me again....because I don't want to hurt God at all.

So, therefore. My openness in this journal ends. Too many people mis-understand what I say through this.......as much as I want to be real with all you guys......that realism has hurt me too many times to make me wanna keep writing what the deepest parts of my heart says.....

Think happy thoughts..I need happy thoughts....I need to replace these depressing ones in my head with happy thoughts..and then maybe I can fly again.....

Don't you just miss it when I don't post?? Hehe..ok, here's something for you to chew on.

Well, really it won't be all that nice to chew on, cos I won't have much to say. It's been a real quiet week ay..just helped Kris and them move on Saturday and that's about the most interesting thing that I can think of. Actually that would be a lie..the most interesting thing I can think of is how everyday for the past few weeks...actually, months, I've spent a lot of time just playing my guitar and worshipping God, but to a lot of people out there, they would think that it's a boring thing to do....

sometimes when people keep asking me "So Ariel, have you got a job yet?" I want to tell them "Yes actually I have a full time job. Being a full-time Christian...pursuing God full-time. Do you have a problem with that?" I get so sick of being asked if a job is in offer...I just wish sometimes people would be quiet about it..and get on with their lives...Ok, I know you care about me....but still..I choose to live a life just pursuing God for now, so what's that to you??

Ooops, I think I just sounded so harsh and stern there..sorry it's just I do get really annoyed when I'm constantly asked about the job.....I wish I could get a job, even as a check-out chick just to shut some people up....

Anyway....this wasn't meant to sound so threatening..I'm going to go eat...I am tired.

Scripture of the day: 2 Tim 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed, and is useful in teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness."

I've spent the morning just worshipping God, and then had a "counselling" session with Allan...cos he wasn't feeling all that great about himself....but anyway. I was looking through some of the old songs that I had written and thank God how far I've come..some of the lyrics are good though, I can feel the anointing over them, so I might write a new tune...to it..but here's one that I wrote awhile back about the nations. I think I've posted the lyrics before on LiveJournal, but it spoke to me again today, so I will post it...here goes.....

( Lord Send Me )

So anyway..that's the song...I guess I really am very passionate about the nations. The more I think of going out there to touch the world for God, the more that I get excited by it...The more I want to pray down the blessings of God on my life so that I am able to go do the work of the Lord that He has ordained for me...The nations need Jesus, the nations need to have their eyes open..and God is asking you today "who shall I send, who will go for me?" Are you ready to respond to the calling of God in your life? Forsaking all other endeavours?? it's so easy to slip into a life of routine and unfulfillment...but friends! God has something bigger than what you've ever dreamed of doing out there waiting for you...don't just sit back and wish life could be better than what it is...if you live like that, I urge you, to get out of your comfort zone and walk on water with the living God....If you think that your life could be better, it means you're not living it big enough..Like I quoted before already.."If your dream is big enough for you to achieve on your own, it's not big enough a dream."

Dont' just stay a dreamer...but pursue it, and make it happen. Make it happen, do something about your dream...Also, don't be afraid of the hurdles that come, you might trip over them once in a while, but God will always pick you up, because he's running all around you: in front of you, behind you, beside you. God wants to see you fulfill the destiny on your life more than you do....He believes in YOU, yes, you my dear friend, enough to say "Ok, I'm going to give them the world, because I trust they will do a capable job of reaching it for me..' That's the commision of Christ, is to give us the harvest of the world to reap.....If he believes in us enough to give us that destiny...what are we so afraid of?

The Lord is asking..Who shall I send....who will go for me....What is YOUR answer?

Jesus. I felt your heart again today..I felt what it was like that you get rejected so many times by lame excuses..Jesus, I felt your heart again today...I felt what it is that you feel each time you gently ask one of your lost children to come to you, but life seems to drag them down and they're bound by things that have no eternal value.

Jesus, I'm crying out for the souls of my friends God, I'm crying out for their souls like I've never done before. God, I want to see each of them that don't know you saved into the kingdom of God, I want to see each one of them in Heaven with me worshiping you God..I'm so sick of hearing them give me excuses about them not going to church or youth group just because they dont' feel like it...God, I pray that every saturday and ever sunday you will not give them lame excuses to not pursue you, God, I pray that you break down each and every barrier that's put up to stop them from meeting with you, God, I pray that you just keep each saturday and sunday so free that they have no excuse not to attend church or youth group...Even if they're Christian lord, I pray that you stop everyone of them from not going to church becaue they "don't feel like it" I'm tired of listening to lame excuses of why people don't want to seek you...I'm tired of counselling people with the truth of God when they're not plugged into the life source itself. I'm tired of hearing to people moan about their pathetic lives when they've obviously forgotten the reason for living, and that's You...

Lord, I'm not trying to be harsh with this prayer..All I'm asking is that you do supernatural intervention into each of my friends lives. I pray for those who don't know you, that you'll just block everything that will prevent them from coming to know you, and I pray for the salvation of each of my friends..that you'll bestow favour upon their lives and bring them and draw them to yourself...Lord, I pray for all my unsaved family, I pray that in the desert of Taiwan, you'll bring them into an Oasis, that they might come to know the saving power of Jesus..that those who know you, like Auntie, will come to a deeper revelation of who you are and be so hungry for you Lord, that you will use their tormented past and use it to do good in this world and bring glory to Your name. So Lord, I pray that even now, as my friend has told me she can't come to czone tonight, I pray that you quicken her spirit..that she'll finish those law reading she needs to do, and come to czone, come to church....Jesus, it's time to bring in the harvest..show me what to do....In Your precious name I pray..Amen....

0) Single or Taken: Single
1) Your Full Name: Wei-Chun (Ariel) Chuang
2) Sex: No..I haven't...hehe, ok, that's not what you wanna know. feMALE. Or FEmale
3) Birthday: 4th April 1987

I'm supposed to be doing my correspondance course, but I can't concentrate and I'm not learning as much as I should. I had a disturbing dream last night, it was so weird and icky...dang. Anyway. Enough of that. So, I guess the reason why I can't concentrate is because I haven't really calmed myself down and stuff like that, and then Allan was coming into my room to talk to me, and so that disrupted that a bit, but oh well. I decided it's best I just leave it for a while and come back to it maybe later....I know I kept saying I was going to hard out at it this week, but I haven't, and I gues that's the enemy trying to tell me subtly not to do it..although I have learnt something interesting....here's my sharing bit:

John 14:23 says: Jesus replied "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home WITH him." I put special emphasis on "with" because I always thought the verse was "make our home IN him." Now there is a very subtle difference. I know that if we obey God's teaching he comes to dwell in us...but the bible says with. The reason why it's got with, is that it means Jesus and God live in conjuction with us. We STILL make the choices...we STILL Make the decisions, he just helps us along, if that makes any sense...so, that's one big revelation..I guess I always thought that because Christ lives in us, it will be so easy to resist temptation (but of course I've failed that lesson so many times)...but now that I know that God and Jesus come to make their home WITH us...I realise that He can give me the strength to endure, but I have to be the one to TAKE the strength and use it.......

Another thing I which kinda clicked in me just reading todays lesson, is the whole concept of how important God's word really is to us. The lesson talked about how, the word of God should be as important to each believer as God himself. You can't love God more than you love the word, or obey God more than you obey His word, it's intertwinable. It's together. It's them. So, I guess I always had the excuse that I don't know my bible very well, because I'm not called to "teach" the bible persay, but that just means that in all honesty, I don't know God that well....so, that kinda struck me a bit and I was like "Woah, and all this time, I thought talking to Jesus was enough." Which I guess is another reason why I'm doing this course. To set my foundations strong in the Lord, and really get a good grounding in the knowledge of the Word of God which is oh so important. So, yep. I realised that I really know nothing about the bible....*sigh*....God, teach me!!! Thank you Jesus.

Well, I'm going to go and watch some TV..I know it's kinda bad...but I really have no motivation to much else. And I have to pack for Southern Storm sometime soon too...Yay doodee....can't wait!

I know I don't usually complain a lot about life. Well, only those close to me hear me complain about life....and heck I don't usually complain about people, well at least I try not to, but sometimes it just gets to me. I guess that I'm annoyed because this whole transport thing with S.S was a bit screwed up..ok, a lot screwed up if you ask me. I guess it's only because I was annoyed that what I had originally planned out for myself didn't quite happen and so....having to be flexible, I had to work around other people wanting to do other stuff....sometimes I just wonder why they don't organise it better....

*sigh*...and so I got annoyed over my best friend, because Ah Teck got her to do all the talking (Maybe he knows that she'll convince me :P, not that I had much choice but oblige with what they wanted)...I've realised that sometimes, being a leader of men, means that you organise things for them, and stick to the organisation..and if something comes unstuck YOU fix it. Don't go putting your troubles on people and then tell THEM to fix it for you...of course you might run into lucky people like (my best friend) who just so happens to be one of those ones that loves helping out...(she's gonna kick me for mentioning that, I can feel the ouch)...But yeah...anyway. I guess I'm over that now. I just hope that those new girls who I'm being so accomodating for, will actually TALK TO ME at S.S, and not just stick around their own groups...I'm not that scary am I? Come on, tell me I'm not...

I had an email convo about this with K, that I find that transporting people around is so annoying sometimes, and I wonder why I am so nice...so, for all those who have transported me in the past..a HUGE THANK YOU AND HUGS for that.....at least now I have my own car...maybe I should've just driven myself to S.S and not be so bothered by this whole thing...that's exactly what I should've done. So what if I can't take people, that doesn't matter, it'll just be me and me and me....no more hassles, and no more needing to figure out rides...haiya.

So....I think I'm in a mood right now....hmm....come Ev, I wanna see you, I miss you. Won't be long till I see you!!! Like a couple of hours...

Anyway, so, I called up Janelle today, and it was so good to hear her voice....I was telling her that I hadn't planned on calling, cos I have had a pretty busy week, but it just didn't feel right not talking to her..and she was saying "Yeah, I was so sad on Monday, cos you didn't call.." So, that made me feel better, and like it was worth it...I guess that's what keeps me going, that's definitely my love language, words. You say one I love you and that makes my week..you say that you appreciate me for what I do, and I'm on a high...so, she said "I love you for calling me, and even though the phone call's been short, I appreciate it so much." That just takes away any doubt I have whether or not I should continue these weekly phone calls..I hope she's just saying the truth, s'all....I told her about going to the Beach, which made her envious.....I wish she could be here sometimes, I really do..ok, of course my friends here are enough for me..but yeah....*sigh*...

Ok, I've calmed down now. I was just frustrated, and it having not been a terribly good day for me today, it just kinda was the tip of the iceberg to create an avalanche. I don't know why I"m so moody today....sometimes just thinking about the situation I am in depresses me, and I need to rise up on wings of eagles and soar with Jesus above the storm. So, I'm really hoping for a time of refreshment at S.S. I'm hoping that I can have some alone time with God and just chill, so for my friends going, if I suddenly disappear, it's not cos I don't wanna hang with you guys, it's just maybe I need some time to really talk with God...I dunno..anyway....

I better get some sleep now. I didn't do any of the bible course today, which made me feel bad, but yeah...I will do some tomorrow morning before Evlyn comes around. Ok, laters.

Dear friend part 2.

I'm not feeling very creative right now in my state of mind, but I just read your journal, so I gotta say to you girl, is that I love you. You're a special friend of mine, and I want to be here for you in whatever way possible. I've had my ups and downs, I've had my share of disappointments, I've had my times of trial, but I wouldn't trade any of that experience for anything. You're not supposed to feel like you can achieve your dream, you're not supposed to feel like that the dream SHOULDN'T be overwhelming, because quite frankly, if the dream is small enough for you to achieve, it's not big enough a dream.

Girl, God sees your heart, he sees how much you hurt, how much you sacrifice, He sees how much you love...and He just wants to tell you today, that He loves you more than all that....He loves you. He so incredibly loves loves loves you...so don't giving up on me ok?? Things might not look so bright now....but it will be brighter at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Go to Southern Storm, don't worry about your money....I know God will bring you the job and keep you the job if you will just seek Him first...this might not even be a thing bout obeying your parents...it might be a God thing..where you seek Him first and everything else will be added unto you. I don't know why I'm going to southern storm still.....I don't even have a job to pay that much amount of money.....but go, because there is a special anointing of God over that camp....

You are doing good girl...you're doing real good. Keep it real ok? Jesus is pround of how far you've walked....he's only within a hands reach, so don't give up and keep on walking on that slippery water...because you wont fall. Jesus won't let you fall. He's got you in the palm of His hands, and You are His forever.....

Ok friend, I love ya, and I'm always here for you..as transparent as I can be, as caring as I can be, as loving as I can be....like the poem I wrote a couple of entries back...I bare my soul to you too...you can take as much or as little from me as you want, because I have everything that I am to give out.....Jesus loves you more though!!! Night my friend ;) (do you know who you are??? yes, I hope you do......starrylaces...)

My best friend is coming back tomorrow. I never really thought anyone deserved the title of a best friend. Well, not only that, it's just...I guess to me, I have so many close friends I never knew "best friend" was possible. Ok, apart from Olivia way back at Selwyn House where she called me her "hero"...and wanted to hang with me...that made me feel cool...I called her my best friend. And then there was a time when a nameless girl called Angie (whom none of you know I'm sure) But I got to know her through ICQ...it was one of the first days that I had installed ICQ and started getting so into the chat world..anyway, story goes, that she messaged me, saying that she saw that I was a christian, and wanted to chat...she was from L.A and so yep...all's well. Anyway, we got really close. That was my 2nd best friend. I broke off the friendship with her, cos it was consuming my time too much..seriously I spent so much time talking to her online...we emailed each other, wrote each other letters, I even called her up in the U.S to talk to her...Ok, so I'm an insane teenager to calls up strangers, but to me, she was the coolest...I've talked about meeting up with her for so long....but we never really did...I was going to when I went to Africa, but it didn't work out..and this time round I didn't even bother telling her I was going to the US....Best friend number 2 down the drain.....

And then I started getting to know Nicky from school a bit....we went to movies almost every weekend...and I guess in her opinion, a best friend is someone you spend all your time with..which I did with her...so, she brought me one of those tacky "best friend" necklaces where she had one half and I had another....I still remember this conversation on the bus "So Ariel, I suppose we're best friends huh? We hang out so often...Do you think we should be best friends?" If I remember correctly, she was sitting on my deaf side, so I didn't really catch what she said, but I found myself nodding....and then we went to look for those necklaces...which still sits somewhere in my room.....But then I decided movies every weekend was way too expensive..so I stopped....she was gutted...we stopped being best friends....Best friend number 3 gone...

And then 5th form rolls around, and I find myself at this youth camp called Southern Storm with a stranger by the name of Aiwei. I forgot her name until the day of the camp..but anyway. Aiwei. Uh huh. I suppose you could call her my best friend..but then again, I dont think I like catergorising people so she just remained some I rang every Thursday to talk with..good times....she's still one of my closest friends, so of course, I won't say Best friend number 4 gone...

Then the year after that...6th form....I guess Kris was my closest friend, whether she knew it or not....we had our fair share of fights, but I think we decided to climb and conquer them, so here we are now....still going strong...oh yeha, 6th form, I met those people in Africa...that's right. So yeah..in came Janelle and Justine and Jess....and Jenn....and Josh...and Joseph....oh, and to a friend who shall remain nameless...I think I hope you know who you are..but anyway, you said that seeing as I have so many overseas friends anyway, you don't need to bother with being there for me..that's kinda not really that true...most of my overseas friends, it's about me being there for them...ok, so some of them encourage me a lot...but there's hardly anything you can do if it's someone overseas..you can't call them for coffee, or hug them, or whatever..you can only call...and I guess those friendships are more for the future than they are for now....so......yep...why did I just say that?? I dunno....

And now...well, last year and now....it's been Ev for most of the time..Best friend. I didn't want to use that word with her either...didn't seem quite that appropriate..becuase I didn't believe in best friends..but what the heck, there was nothing to describe her..so yep...best friend she stays....

But anyway..why did I just give a rundown of my friendship list.....*sigh*......I need to head to bed, which I think I will do.....my room is at least tidied a bit, and I also changed the sheets and duvet..(Ev should be happy I put out new duvet and sheets for her)....but anyway...timke to sleep in my newly made bed............And tomorrow when I wake, it will be time to go and see Evlyn. Yay..I haven't seen her for 9 weeks...that's been far too long....

Sometimes I wonder why I input so much into other peoples' lives, only to have them hermit from me and then move on as if I never meant anything to them....

Sometimes I wonder why I keep telling people "I'll be your accountability partner!" when they're blantantly asking for it, just to have them reply me with silence....

Sometimes I wonder why I offer the world love and work so hard to get it in return...

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to call up my friends overseas...weekly phone calls....just to tell them I love them...

Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much money and time and energy on people who probably wouldn't care less....

Sometimes I wonder why I always make the first move and then there are no response....

Sometimes I wonder

And then I think...those people I inputed into, their lives might not have changed much, but at least I did my job, I did what I had to...They can hide from me forever, I really shouldn't care less...as long as I keep reminding them not to hermit from God...That's the most important...

And then I think...that offering my accountability isn't really anything special...it's a gateway to tell them that I care about them...in every aspect, including spiritually..and if they don't want me to keep them accountable, then as long as I have God and me, it's all good....

And then I think....that Jesus Christ has offered me more love than I could ever contain, which is why I choose to give it...not seek it...because I have the Source of Love in me

And then I think....that I need to remind myself that my friends appreciate those phone calls, even if it costs me so much a month....it's because I love them...and everytime I hear them tell me they love me too, it's all good...it's a small sacrifice to pay to keep friendships that God has given you..but I do wonder, why don't they put in more effort...

And then I think....being of a generous spirit is a blessing....I don't need all this money anyway, may as well make someone happy with buying them a gift or shouting them a meal....

And then I think...if no one made a move, the world would be stalled....so what if I get rejected making the first move?? If I didn't, I wouldn't have the best friend I have now, I wouldn't have gone to Africa and met those friends, I wouldn't have a lot of the blessings that are in my life right now..so what am I complaining about...

And then I think..there's no reason to wonder...because Jesus first loved me, and he's given me the capacity to love....if the world doesn't accept it, I know it first rejected Him....I can't help but be nice and continue offering support to those around me...even if I get trampled on once in a while....I choose to pick myself up......and I choose to believe that those friends who only use me when they need me...well, I'll continue letting them use me..but I guess I won't expect anything in return from them.....

Friends come, friends go..I wonder why I want to keep some of the friendships I have, when it's so blantantly obvious how stupidly one sided they are...yet I still continue telling them "Email me! Talk to me! I miss talking to you..." I'm so stupid sometimes..I really am. So stupid...

So today I decided to get my lazy arse off the computer chair and go play basketball...good move for my unfit body, but poor move for my dehydrated body!! I didn't realise that the temperature was a whooping 27 deg, and it didn't help that I was still playing in the Sun, but at least I learnt something huh!! Yep...not to play basketball in the sun when it's 27deg...man...But it's all good.

Allan and I then went for a night basketball game...we played 2 rounds of 1 on 1, and I won both 6-1 and 6-3 I think...it was kinda good (haha, that looked like a tennis game) We did go play a game of tennis though but it was so windy that I couldn't actually hit the ball properly...I really want a good tennis playing partner so I can further my skills....it's annoying hitting with people when you kinda have to be soft on them ay..but that's all good. I'm not saying that I'm good or anything I just like rising to the challenge.

And then I came home and Allan asked if I could teach him how to do vibrato on the violin, and so I did...and so then I started practicing and starting thinking that maybe I should call Stephen up and ask if I can have like, lessons for 6 months, and really really get to learn more skills, seeing as I have no excuse not to practice...I could do like, an intensive violin thing for 6 months...you know what, here I am thinking, that maybe I should've taken the chance with the violin. Because it could get me scholarships to good schools in the U.S, but then of course, I would have to get a "music" scholarship, and not be able to do med...well...ok, there are a few things I regret in life I guess..I dont' know if I could've ever gotten a scholarship with Music..it's just annoying that I didn't think of that before...cos I kept thinking that I wouldn't touch the violin in med..but I didn't have any passion for it, and for that kinda thing, the passion for it is so important, it's what drives you to practice...as top atheletes say, they play for the "love of the game"..it's the same with violin.....and actually training with the violin is very hard as well..you think that those atheletes have it hard, but being a musician isn't all that easy you know...yeah..I guess it works out the same...but imagine having your hand held up on a very strange angle and unusual position for 5 years straight, practicing...and your fingers....ouch..I tried doing a trilling exercise for like, 5 mins the other day and my finger felt like it was about to fall off......

So, I'm going to pray about this new found passion for the violin that I have, because I seriously think I suck..like really suck..I wonder why people compliment me on my playing when I reckon it sounds so bad....but that's only because I know there's a lot more skills I need to learn. So, i wonder if I spent that 6 months intently learning violin (which will be very money costing..so Pray I get a good job)....then I can play Sarasate's Zapateado....that's my dream violin piece to play..I really wanna play that one....hmm...God, if this new found passion if from you, I pray that you make this all happen God..and I promise to work hard...and i will glorify you with the violin one day...I saw a girl at ORU holding a violin case coming from the music block God, and I knew that that was also what I wanted...to be able to play for you and bring your anointing down through the strings of the instrument...so I pray. that you find me a great teacher, if it's Stephen, then I pray that his answer will be yes when I ask if I could possibly have lessons...if it's not Stephen, I pray you'll bring me someone, or teach me yourself....and so that I may grow in stature and favor with men and shine with Your glory...I place that in your hands...Amen.

So, now that the whole playing/basketball session is over, I'm starting to ache...seriously, I dare you, to play the violin for an hour, non stop, and tell me that your arms are not sore....so, I"m going to take a rest, and go eat something. I feel as if my energy's disappeared...haha...okies, later.

Wow, crazy to think that I haven't updated for like, a whole day!!! Hehe..righty ho.

So, yesterday was a pretty alright day I can't really remember what I did. Kris came around for the Video and dropped off the careers thing, so I've found 2 jobs that I've sent in applications for..dunno if I have a good feeling about them, but I guess if I'm "actively seeking" employment, it will put some people's minds at rest...that just sounds silly, it's as if I'm working to please other people...

Ok, then again, what Leo said was quite true, that we need to work for our dreams. If we need $5000, we need to save up $5000...but let me ask you a question...if I was to save up $15,000 working 60 hours a week this year....that's probably not going to cover a whole lot of school expenses if I want to go to ORU..what about the next 3 years? And what about the medical fees after that?? My education would have to total around $500,000 (I think Med school at Johns Hopkins is incredibly expensive at $100,000 a year)...but of course, if I did well in a US university and got scholarships to go to Johns Hopkins, that would help.

I realised as I was calculating the costs of going to ORU, that with the scholarship that I have, it actually covers 50% of tuition. The reason why I said it only covered 25% to begin with is because that was including my board and room fees....I'm thinking maybe I will write them and ask what is it about living on campus, because if Mums going to go with me, then I can save on the board and room fees (and live really close to the Uni at one of those nice apartments we saw)..and that means I will only need to pay about $8000 for school fees a year..which is drastically lower than the $25,000 I needed before for a year....so, I think I will write what's her name...Carri, and ask her about that.....

Well, I'm going to go to polytech to enroll in language classes..might take spanish..then I can talk with Joel in Spanish...tata

Hello my dear friend, do you know that sometimes,

I wish I could just wipe all the tears from your face

Do you know that I pray for you, hoping that

He'll give you enough sustenance found only in grace

 

Do you know that I care about you and what might only seem

Like insignificant dreams of another 17 year old

But I know to truth to be....

You are born with dreams, bigger than all you can achieve

And it's because of the reality of this, that the enemy tries to deceive...

He pushes you down and plays with your heart and tries to drown you out...

But know that God hears your tears....He won't let you go without.

As a fellow dreamer, I know what it is, to feel disappointment and fear

But I can't shake away this dream I have even if I dared,

Because I think of the lives that could be touched by little old insignificant me....

I wonder how then can I be so selfish when God has called me to be

A world changer, a light to the souls, who are now resting in dark

To bring salvation to them, to bring Glory to Him, and to be set apart....

 

Don't worry dear friend, for God has heard, your tears that drop like the rain

He wipes them away with his own two hands and wants to take away your pain

Don't worry dear friend, don't fear that you're not good enough for man

Because Jesus tells you that You're the most precious Daughter of the Lamb.

 

So dear Friend,  I hope that you are cheered by this little note I write

Hang in there, hang in tight and know that it's all gonna be alright

Because you'll see those precious children in Heaven, who you gave hope and dreams

They'll be dancing for Jesus, their hip-hoppy dance in front of golden streams

And Jesus will smile, his heart full of love, as he sees His children dance

Then He'll sit down next to you and cast you a loving glance

He'll whisper quietly so only you can hear, the gentle callings of his voice

And you'll know that it was worth it, that you had made the right choice,

Of following Your God given passion, and seeing these lives changed forever

Of not giving up but for carrying on and endeavour

To change the world, one child at a time, in your vision of a hip-hop school

To shake the Cross before the enemy and make him look like a fool.